Bitter and Hot SPICE!
by Mina-chii
Summary: That's what Nigel Uno tastes like, to the girls who have tasted him. Nigel has gotten all the girls he had ever wanted using his smooth voice and sweet demeanor, but there is one girl who he wants but he hasn't ever had. Based on SPICE! by Len K.
1. Fork Stabbing For The Win

**Bitter and Hot SPICE!**

**A/N: **...Urk. I feel sick making a KND version of SPICE!... but I want to. Jeebus.

In order to avoid lawsuits, I changed ages. So here's a list:

Nigel: 17 (I feel dirty for making Numbuh 1 a manwhore.)

Rachel: 17 (...Urk...! Guilt...hurting me...!)

Lizzie: 16

Abby: 17 (Urk! I suddenly feel dirty for making Numbuh 5 one of Numuh 1's...um, _victims, _but yeah... ugh, don't hate me...)

Chad: 18

Hoagie: 17

Wally: 16 (He's in the same grade as Numbuhs 1 and 2, but he's still pretty short. Plus, let's say his birthday is a month or two later than theirs.)

PS: Holy shit, Rio wrote a T-rated fic? Call the FBI. Please.

...

I woke up slightly dazed to my phone's whining. I groaned heavily, holding my head with my left hand and searching for my phone with the other. Sitting up slowly, careful not to wake the sleeping form beside me, I pressed the small button on my iPhone and held up the annoying thing to my ear. I tried to sound as casual as possible. "...Hello...?"

"Nigie," said a voice. "Where the hell are you?"

Pulling my cell away from my face and holding my hand over it, I heaved a sigh. Lizzie. Jesus Christ, she was so needy. And why the hell was she crying that stupid "Nigie" to me at...I glanced at the clock...four in the morning? I removed my hand and held up the phone to my face again. "I'm at home, sweetie," I said in the most syrupy-sweet voice I could muster- the hot, sexy voice that girls swooned at. "What's up?"

Lizzie huffed. "Did you forget about the date we had today?"

"What? What date?" I said in false innocence. "I guess I forgot."

Lizzie didn't respond.

I slightly growled in annoyance. This seemed do pointless- especially since this call was at four in the freakin' morning. "Lizzie? I'm tired. Please, can we continue this in the morning?" My voice was that of a sweet, caring boyfriend right now. I almost laughed at it.

"Nigel?" she said softly. I noticed that she didn't call me "Nigie" for once, thank God. "I...I don't think we _can _continue. I mean, as a couple."

I almost laughed again. Who even said we _were _a couple? She was one of _those _girls- the ones who wanted to be tied together with someone forever. My voice changed into that of a heartbroken teen. "W-what?" I said weakly, my voice cracking falsely in sadness. I wanted to applaud myself. It sounded so realistic.

"It's just me..." Lizzie said comfortingly. "I don't think I can be with you anymore. Goodbye, Nigel."

She hung up the phone.

_It's just me? _It's so cliche...it makes me want to laugh. Jeez, maybe I should thank Lizzie later for making me laugh so much. It was entertaining.

I placed the phone back where it was.

"Mmph...Nigel, who was that..." the girl next to me said groggily. Thank God- it seemed like she didn't hear anything.

"Nothing," I said smoothly. "just a friend. Go back to sleep, Abby."

'Urgh," she said, frowning. "Who calls at this time?" Right after that complaint she fell back asleep.

I smirked and leaned back on my pillow. Using my index finger I twirled a small portion of her hair. That was the third girl I broke up with this week. But they never caught me. They never saw me with the other girls I played with. I had them all wrapped around my pinky. All it took was making them believe I was a suave, sensitive guy...and saying those three words that they want to hear.

"I love you."

...

The next day I was having lunch with my friends at Gallagher High. My group of friends were mostly made up of Hoagie Gilligan and Wally Beetles, both of which were kind of stupid. But, whatever.

"Man, Nigel, I can't believe you got it on with Abigail Lincoln! Man, I would kill for a girl like her..." Hoagie looked like he was about to drool.

"Jeez, Hoagie, no one's gonna ask you out when you look like _that!" _Wally said, disgusted at his friend's state. Hoagie was currently slathered in tomato sauce and milk, and I had to admit that looked kind of gross.

"You should talk, Wally!" Hoagie countered. "Just look at you! Hit puberty already! You're shorter than Tommy, for God's sake!"

Wally growled. "Jesus, Hoagie, at least I didn't grow horizontally!"

Hoagie gasped girlishly and pouted silently at Wally's comment. I laughed; my friends were pretty funny when they started arguing. Once, Hoagie called Wally a _fat cow. _What the hell?

Wally turned towards me. "But seriously, Nigel, how do you just get a girl in bed?" He looked so hopeful that I had to chuckle. He looked like a puppy begging for a piece of meat.

"Of course you would like to know," I said, glancing at Kuki Sanban, the cute, childish girl in our class. I didn't make a move on her, mostly because she looked so..._innocent. _My God, if I were to get her, it would be like doing a kindergartener.

Wally turned bright red. "N-no, mate, but really, just tell me."

"How 'bout I just show you?" I suggested. "It's easier to explain that way."

Wally gagged. "Eww, no, buddy, I don't swing that way."

"Not on _you, _you stupid..." I shook my head and pinched the bridge of my nose, a habit I gained after dating Lizzie. "Never mind. Just... make sure you put on a sexy voice, have a sexy comeback for every sentence she has, and finally, say very sexily, 'I love you.'" I looked at Wally expectantly, expecting him to bow down at my greatness.

"Pff, it's always sex with you, isn't it?" he giggled childishly. He straightened himself up. "But that's not fair, mate. You have a British accent. You know that girls find British accents sexy, _roight_?" he said, applying a fake British accent to "right" and failing hopelessly. Hoagie even laughed a little, despite his small phase of depression.

"Ah, I recall that you _also _said that girls found _blonds _sexy, but look at that, you haven't dated even _one _girl yet." I chuckled, remembering Wally's attempt to ask out another blond. He had said something along the lines of, "Hey, babe, I'm blond, you're blond, so let's get it on!" and it had earned him a red handprint on his face.

"Hey quit making fun of Wally, Nigel," said a voice behind me. I recognized that voice- I had always found it to be richer and more smooth than others.

Hoagie got out of his emo corner and greeted the person behind me cheerfully. "Hey, Rachel!"

Wally also smiled at Rachel, which, somehow, made my blood boil. "Hey Rach! Join us for a bite?"

Rachel smiled. "Sure," she said, sitting down next to me. She turned to me. "Hey Nigel."

"H-Hi." I stared at her orange shirt. Jesus, she seemed to wear orange every day. Not that I was complaining. The color complimented both her eyes _and _hair. ...I sound so gay right now.

Just as I shook myself out of my gay thoughts, Rachel stole a french fry drenched in chili from my plate and popped it into her mouth, chewing happily.

"Hey!" I said with as much dignity as I could summon. "Give-" I cleared my throat. I sounded like a girl for a moment. I deepened my voice, making me sound like a little boy trying to sound like his father. "Gi-give that back!"

"Just _try _to take it," Rachel challenged. I gulped. That sounded _way _off from what she intended, in my head.

Hoagie snickered next to Wally. "Yeah, sexy British guy, take it," he said just quietly enough so only me and Wally could hear.

"French 'er, Nigel," Wally encouraged just as loudly.

Rachel gulped down the french fry and glanced at my two friends. "Did you say something?" she said, tilting her head like a puppy. God, she was too cute and naive for her own good.

"No, nothing," Hoagie said, snickering.

I just realized that Rachel had approached us for no reason- without _him. _The thought of him made me grind my teeth in silence. I tried to compose myself. "W-where's your boyfriend?" I asked. It hurt my tongue just to ask them.

"Chad? Oh, he has practice today at lunch." Rachel smiled as I grew slightly angry. Stupid Chad. Stupid football-playing boy band-looking nice car-driving jock. He can just go to hell.

"Nigel? You okay?" Wally asked. "You're making weird faces at your sandwich."

Shit.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I said coolly, trying to pretend that everything was dandy. Stupid Chad with his good grades and jock complex, dating _Rachel_...

"Nigel, you just stabbed your sandwich," Rachel said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. I looked down at my lunch.

My hand was holding a fork that was currently puncturing my sandwich. Mayonaisse and ketchup covered my hand and sleeve. I slowly removed the fork and placed it gently next to my spoon. Wait, why the hell did I have a fork and spoon if I had a _sandwich _for lunch? How weird.

"My God, Nigel, what you did was _fork_ing insane!" Hoagie howled with laughter. Wally's face was in his hands and Rachel was still smiling, although I saw her cringe.

I needed to change the subject, lest I stab _Hoagie _next. "So, why aren't you with your friends?" I asked Rachel in a shaky voice. Breathe. Breathe. Do _not _pick up the fork-

"Fanny and Patton? Oh, they're busy denying their love for each other as usual. But, it's getting intense, so I thought I'd stay out of it." Rachel took another one of my fries.

"I see..." I said, glancing over at Rachel's usual table as Hoagie and Wally did the same. Fanny was calling Patton things I'd never even heard of before and Patton was returning with large sentences filled with profanity. I cringed as Fanny took a fork and stabbed Patton in the hand.

"Ooh," Wally said, wincing. "Jeez, I think he's gonna need a band-aid or something."

Rachel stood up and dashed over to Fanny, yelling about how it's bad to stab people with forks. It was pretty funny, actually. The whole cafeteria was staring at them and Patton. Fanny returned with some irrational reasoning, and Rachel lightly hit her on the head. Then, with the cafeteria as witness, Fanny _apoligized _to Patton. Apoligized!

The whole room started murmuring to each other, as Rachel gave Fanny a satisfied nod.

"D-Did I just see...?"

"Holy shit..."

"Jesus, Rachel is really amazing..."

Hoagie and Wally looked at each other. "Wow! Did you just see that?" Hoagie exclaimed.

Wally nodded. "Yeah! She just stabbed Patton with a fork!"

"Yeah! Like Nigel did!"

"And then she _apoligized!"_

"What the hell happened?"

My mouth hung open slightly. "What the fuck?" I said, testing to see if something would blow up.

The bell rang. That counts, right?


	2. Kuki is a Smart Little Idiot

**Bitter and Hot SPICE!**

**A/N: **Sorry, I meant to put another A/N at the end of Chapter One. BTW, the thing where Nigel is all "WTF" and waits for an explosion is a reference to the WTF Boom. Also, I like to stab my friend-who-is-a-boy in the hand with sporks. :)

...

I walked sulking on my way to my next class. (1) Rachel and Chad had the same schedule, and to make it worse they sit next to each other in two of their classes. I frowned, thinking of how they would make lovey-dovey faces at each other in the classroom. I'd love to cut off Chad's balls, cook 'em, let Hoagie eat them (he would eat ANYTHING), and then laugh maniacally as Chad screamed and begged for mercy. Then I would run him over with his own Porsche (sp?) (2).

What? I'm a sadist? Thank you for noticing.

Hoagie and Wally had their next class together in room D204 (3), and so I was alone for the rest of the next hour. Chad and Rachel were just ahead of me in the hallway. I admit it was pretty great that Rachel and I were in the same class this hour, but with Chad there I couldn't talk to her. Also, Lizzie was in this class, too, but I couldn't talk to her for obvious reasons.

Speaking of Lizzie, I glanced at her in the hallway. She looked back at me until she realized it was me, then turned around very quickly. It was kind of amusing, actually. To make it a little more fun, I made obvious glances at Rachel from the back. I focused primarily on her ass, knowing Lizzie was watching me from the corner of her eye. I heard her gasp slightly, despite being in a crowded hallway. She walked faster.

Yes. I am a sadist.

I laughed under my breath. This was just too fun. Having sex with a girl, breaking up, and then rubbing her love for me in her face. Yup, this is such a beautiful world.

Shit. I must be going insane, because the last time I checked the world was the most ugly and horrid thing I'd ever seen.

I arrived last to class. I took my seat at the back with Kuki Sanban, who was playing with a new Rainbow Monkey. ...Yes, folks, she still plays with Rainbow Monkeys. At 17. ...Well, I'm pretty sure Fanny does, too, but she told Rachel not to tell anyone. That's what Rachel said to me.

"Hi, Nigel!" Kuki said in her sweet, girly voice. It made me want to buy her candy, for some reason. "Look at my new Super Special Edition Rainbow Monkey! It can say 'I Love You' in English _and _Japanese!"

I looked at the doll. It was a color I'd never seen before. My God, I think it just looked at me. "Err...it's cute, Kuki!" I said, creeped out by the thing. The eyes seemed to shift back and forth between me and Kuki.

"Aishiteru!" the doll sighed dreamily. "Daisuki! Suki da! I wuv you!" The odd Rainbow Monkey kept on spewing out the same words over and over. "I kill you!"

"What!" I yelled, jumping out of my seat slightly. The Rainbow Monkey kept silent.

"Aww, it's sooo cute!" Kuki cooed at the doll.

What the hell?

I turned around to face the front of the classroom. The teacher was rambling on about an experiment, or whatever. I hated Chemistry. You weren't allowed to blow stuff up.

I stared at Rachel, who was sitting next to Chad. Yes, this was one of the classes where they sat next to each other. Chad was currently whispering something to Rachel, and Rachel was giggling. That really made me wonder what the hell they were talking about.

I felt something tap my arm. I looked to my right to see Kuki staring at me innocently. "What?" I spat, pissed off by seeing Chad practically sweeping Rachel off her feet. Kuki said quietly, trying not to attract the teacher's attention, "Who ya staring at?"

I growled and looked away. "None of your business, Kuki."

Kuki smiled shyly at me. "Y'know, she might go out with you if you didn't have fun with other girls," she said, laying her chin on top of the Rainbow Monkey's head. It lightly said "Daisuki" in response.

My eyes widened and I looked back at Kuki, but she was now ignoring me and paying direct attention to the teacher. I stared for a moment before slowly turning back to the teacher.

I heard Rachel's light yelp when Chad flicked his tongue at her earlode flirtatiously. The teacher turned towards them. "Miss McKenzie, I hope you don't mind answering the question I just asked the class."

Rachel blushed and looked at the teacher. "U-um, okay. What was it again?"

The teacher sighed impatiently. "What occurs as the atomic number of the elements in period two increases?" (4)

Rachel thought for a moment while looking down at her notes. "The nuclear charge of each succesive atom increases and the atomic radius decreases."

The teacher smiled. "Very good," he said, clearly impressed. "As expected of the top student of this class."

Rachel smiled in response and immediately glared at Chad, who chuckled in return. "Sorry," he whispered quietly. He waited until the teacher's back was turned and kissed Rachel's cheek.

Bastard.

I quickly drew a picture on a piece of notebook paper. I was an excellent artist. I had drawn a sketch of Chad laying on his stomach with a knife sticking out of his ass and a gunshot in his head. I smiled at my work and kept it in my pocket. Drawing that really improved my mood.

Throughout the rest of the class I just stared down at my notebook. Kuki was still facing front, her head gently rested on her Rainbow Monkey. She had been pretending that I didn't exist after she made that odd statement.

_"Y'know, she might go out with you if you didn't have fun with other girls."_

What the hell was that? She shouldn't say deep stuff like that. She was _Kuki Sanban _for God's sake. The ditz of this whole damn class. She couldn't tell a rainbow from a Teletubbie.

What the fuck is up wih people these days?

"You know, you should be thinking more about what I said about Rachel than whether I'm really a stupid ditz or not." Kuki's eyes stared boringly at the teacher as she said this.

I stayed silent, then waved off Kuki's nonsense. She just got high off Rainbow Monkey stuffing. Right?

RIght?

...

(1): I was about to put Algebra or something instead of class, but then I realized I didn't even KNOW what 11th graders learned in school. MAJOR FAIL.

(2): I want to own a Porsche when I get older :D

(3): I'm not sure how rooms are labled in high school. But one of my classes takes place at D204 in my school, so I just used that.

(4): I think you already know this, but I have NO IDEA what goes on in high school. Seriously. So I just searched "hard chem question" on the Internet. Oh, how I love you, Internet. :)

**A/N: **UGH SO SHORT T.T

Anyways, I got an idea for a 3/4 fic, so I might post a new oneshot. Guess what? I got the idea for that while listening to "Melt" by Miku Hatsune. God, Vocaloid songs are like plot bunnies in disguise :D

So, this story is loosely based on "Along Came A Spider" in the Vocaloid fandom. Check it out if you like Len/Luka and Len/Rin :D

Originally I was gonna have this chapter feature Numbuh 1 spying on Rachel while she's on a date with Chad (K-On! reference!), but I didn't have that much time to write a chapter. So a small tidbit from Nigel's day at school :D

And yes, I enjoy drawing manga and all that. I have a ton of fanart for 1/362 and a dA account, but I has no scanner :D :D :D

I live off of reviews! So review plz? :P


	3. Chad the Hellbringer

**Bitter and Hot SPICE!**

**A/N: **Wassup! Rio-chan here with another chapter of _Bitter and Hot SPICE!_

I see that I got more reviews! I love you all!

Please enjoy this new chapter starring the infamous manwhore, Nigel Uno!

Nigel: :|

Me: :3

...

After class was over I sulked my way home. Jeez, I really hate this. Watching _my _Rachel dating that _stupid jock-whore-bastard _was torture enough, but walking home with her while she rambled on about him made me want to cut my dick off, stab myself and run myself over a hundred times with a train.

"Jeez, can you believe Chad?" Rachel fumed. "After that whole thing in class, my friends wouldn't stop badgering me about him. God." She crossed her arms. "I want to leave Chad in a locked room with a Rainbow Monkey-deprived Kuki."

I shivered at the very idea. Kuki had once forgotten her Rainbow Monkey on the way to school, and she threw a major temper tantrum that blew out one of the walls in Mrs. Thompson's class. Then when Mrs. Thompson tried to restrict her, Kuki threw the teacher's desk at her. She wouldn't stop until Mrs. Sanban came over, calmly stated "You forgot this," dropped the blasted Rainbow Monkey in Kuki's arms and went on her way. After that Kuki just sat back at her desk cuddling her doll like nothing happened.

"Jesus, Rachel, have mercy," I said. Even though I hated Chad with all of my being, _no one _deserrved _that. _I clenched my backpack straps hard until my knuckles turned white.

"...Fine," Rachel sighed. "I'll leave him in a locked room with that weird Rainbow Monkey Kuki had today. Seriously, I thought it said _'I kill you'." _I saw her visibly flinch. "And I swear it _moved! _My God!"

I nodded. "Yeah. I thought that, too." By now I was ready to make Rachel talk about _anything _but Chad. Even Hoagie's constipation.

"I told Chad about it today, and he was all, 'Haha, Rachel, you're too funny.' But when Kuki went up to him with it, he was all, 'Holy shit! Did that thing just _move?'" _Rachel laughed.

Jeez. Back talking about _Chad, _are we?

By this time we had arrived at Rachel's house. We found out a year ago that Rachel lived around the block from me, and ever since then we've been good friends. She even showed me where she hid her spare house key, in case I needed her for anything and she wasn't answering her cell.

"Thanks for talking to me, Nigel," she said, taking her key and placing it inside the doorknob. She placed the key back in her pocket before setting one foot inside. From there she stopped. "I could tell you didn't like me talking about Chad. But please try to get along with him, okay?" She headed inside. "Bye."

I stared after her, even after the door closed. I debated over going in after her or not, but I decided the latter. If I went in, she would talk about _Chad. _Stupid Chad taking MY Rachel. I narrowed my eyes and walked away from Rachel's house. Just because he was good-looking and athletic, he thought he could take Rachel from me. Well, too bad. I know exactly how to win her over. You'll see. But first...

On my way around the bend of the street I lived on I pulled out my cell phone and began to look thrrough my contacts list. Abby...Kuki...Hoagie...Wally...Aha!

I held my iPhone up to my ear and listened to the muffled ringing noise. I occupied my time listening to it until a voice answered. "Hello?"

I smirked as I arrived home. "Hey babe, did ya wanna come to my house today?" I said in a sexy voice. I heard a giggle from the speaker.

"Sure," she replied, still giggling. "But this time, I get to start it, okay?"

I smiled.

...

The smell of sweat and a little something else wafted throughout my room. Gasps and moans circled around and my girl was under me.

"Nigel...Nigel...!" she groaned, juices spilling out of her. I put up a fake grin and began to lap them up, pleasure coursing through her body. "It feels so good!"

"Yeah...yeah...just be quiet..." I mumbled. In this state it was safe to say what I really felt. I knew she was dazed and her mind clouded so it wasn't really necessary to act so excited. I tried to pretend that the girl under me was Rachel, to satisfy my hunger for her. But, really, it was really hard to with my plaything moaning all the time. Her voice - which, in contrast to Rachel's, was high-pitched and painful to hear - wasn't nearly as smooth and pleasurable as Rachel's. This was the one key thing that kept me from believing that I was fucking Rachel right now.

"Arrgh!" she screamed, as she reached orgasm for the third time, this slut. "N-Nigel! I'm cumming-!"

"I won't tell you again to shut up!" I growled, muffling her cries of pleasure with my own mouth. Jesus, this girl was annoying. Just keep on screaming, bitch - it won't make any difference that I don't love you.

That's what I wanted to say, but better safe than sorry.

This girl - she tried to make me as mindless and dazed as she was right now, to see me in ecstasy. To tell you the truth I wasn't really enjoying this, and I wan't really thinking of her. I just thought of two things right then - the fact that this girl wasn't Rachel, and the other fact that I wouldn't be able to do my English homework tonight.

I mean, what was I _suppposed _to say to the teacher? "Sorry, sir, but I couldn't write a rough draft for the fiftieth persuasive essay I've done in my life because I was too busy fucking a whore"?

Pff. Yeah, right.

I thrusted inside of her for the millionth time that night, with her screaming "Nigel and me screaming "Rachel".

...

The next day at school I picked at my meatball sandwich, uninterested in it. Wally and Hoagie were across from me being idiots again, and I wasn't in the mood for tallking to them. I sighed slightly, not really amused by their antics. They just kept on saying the same thing: Hoagie leading with "You're a [insert insult here]!" and Wally following with "Yeah? Well _you're _a [insert same insult here]!". Really, it was kinda funny at first, but now it was just stupid.

"Hey, Nigel."

I looked behind me to see Rachel, and I almost smiled - until I saw _Chad _standing next to her. He gave me a sneer. "Hey, Uno," he said, putting his arm around Rachel's waist.

I frowned slightly when Rachel blushed at Chad's action. "Hello, Chad, Rachel," I said dryly, glaring at my meatball sandwich.

"Jeez, Nigel, stop taking out your anger at sandwiches," Hoagie scolded. He then looked at the couple. "Hey, guys," he greeted warmly.

"Yeah, hiya," Wally said, grinning cheekily. If he smiled like that at someone who barely knew him, they would've thought that Wally was laughing at them silently. But that's just how Wally smiles.

Chad smiled. "Yo, Wally, Hoagie," he said, then turned to me. "Surprised to see _me?" _(1)

"Not really," I said innocently. "I'm just wondering why you're here talking to _me, _the humble Nigel Uno. Don't tell me that you _love _me?" My voice dripped with sweet innocence. It made me want to throw up stuff I'd never eaten before.

Chad looked at me disgusted and I knew Wally and Hoagie were laughing behind me silently. "Jesus, Nigel," he muttered. "You know I'm not gay."

"I could've been fooled," I said, rolling my eyes. Hoagie and Wally laughed, but I could see Rachel's lips turn into a thin white line.

"Tch!" Chad said. "You _know _I'm not gay, Nigel. I have _her." _He bit the top of Rachel's ear lightly, and Rachel yelped, blushing. I could feel my blood growing hotter by the second.

Hoagie and Wally gasped and immediately bowed their heads on the table. "We're not worthy," they said. "Please teach us."

Rachel, after pushing Chad away in embarrasment, looked away. I could barely hear her mutter "Boys" in a disgusted manner.

"So, what are you guys doing here?" I asked while ignoring Chad's pleased smirk. That smug face made me want to bash his head in.

"Fanny and Patton are at it again," Rachel sighed, gesturing to her and Chad's regular table. The two were fighting over a plate of jello, and so far neither were winning. Fanny and Patton yelled harsh profanities at each other as the jello jiggled innocently on the table.

Poor jello.

"I'm tellin' ye dat jello is MINE, ye stoopid boy!" Fanny yelled.

"Nu-uh!" Patton countered. "Rach told me _I _could have it, since _you _grabbed the last meatball sandwich!"

"I'd rather ye starve ta death, ye bastard!"

"RACHEL! Fanny's being a bitch again!"

Rachel sighed and went over to her table, where Fanny and Patton were both hit on the heads by said person. While Rachel attempted to solve the dispute, Chad looked at me. After a few seconds I was deeply bothered by this. "What?"

Chad sighed with a smile on his face. "Rachel would make a good mom, wouldn't she?" 

At last, something we could agree on. "Well, yeah, I mean look at her dealing with Fanny and Pa-HEY," I exclaimed, realizing what he implied. "What the hell? Don't tell me you forgot the condo-YOU BANGED RACHEL?" I stood up quickly and slammed my hands on the table, scaring Hoagie and Wally and rattling the meatball sandwich.

By this time everyone was looking at him and Rachel. I was horrified. If Chad did get Rachel pregnant, I will take a shotgun and give him a headshot that'll make his brain drip out of his head. Sensing my distress and the cafeteria's eyes on him he yelled, "NO, I DID NOT!" and the cafeteria returned to their meals.

I sighed in relief and slowly sat back down, wiping a bead of sweat from my brow. "Thank God," I muttered. I looked up at Chad. "What the hell is _wrong _with you?"

He scoffed. "Jeez, I just said that Rachel would make a good mom. It's your fault for jumping to conclusions. Try not to get your britches in a bunch."

I glared at him. "If you're even _thinking _of getting Rachel in bed with you-" 

He frowned. "I know that's what _you're _thinking of," he stated, and I shut my mouth. That probably was true, so I couldn't disprove his claim. He cleared his throat and said, "Yo, Wally, Hoagie, you mind trying to help Rachel? She looks like she needs your help."

I looked at Rachel's table. Looks like this time Rachel wasn't as successful as yesterday. Fanny had heard my accusation and was bawling her eyes out while clinging Rachel's torso. Rachel was yelling at her to get off and Patton was desperately trying to pry Fanny off of her. Hoagie and Wally sped in thier direction, trying to help Patton.

"Uno," Chad said. I looked at him out of reflex. "Yes, I know you want to get in _my _girfriend's pants, and no, she doesn't know. But I swear if you even _try _to make a move on her..." He mashed a fist into his palm, not needing to finish his sentence.

I just glared at him through my sunglasses, my steely eyes not even making a _dent _in his fearless expression. How dare he talk down on me like that. He was the bad guy here, trying to take Rachel from me. He was the one who needed to lay off. I scowled and looked away.

There is no way he is taking Rachel from me.

...

**A/N: **Agh! . My hands! They HURT!

(1): Reference to Operation: S.L.U.M.B.E.R. Just imagine That one part where Chad is all "Surprised to see me?" and Numbuh 3 says, "Surprised to see you wearin' a bra!"

Oookay. Three scenes: Rachel and Nigel walking home, Nigel fucking an unnamed girl (I didn't know what girl to use, seeing as he already did Abby and Kuki is just too cute to think about sex), and Chad confronting Nigel in the school cafeteria about Rachel.

I don't know why, but it was really fun to write about Chad. In this fic, Chad, Rachel, Wally, and Hoagie are the only "innocent" ones, and Nigel is the bad guy DX

...So, Numbuh 1 lovers, I don't think you'll like the ending of this fic. Sorry :(

...Oh, and I loved the 60/86 fight. it was fun to type. Too bad it's so short, but I had to shorten up the last scene because I've been typing for three hours straight. AGGH

Once again, thanks for reviewing! Reviews make me happy, so REVIEW!

...Please? :)


	4. FFFFF

**Hey guys. Sorry, but no new chapter. I've got a severe case of writer's block, and I really need an idea of how to start chapter 4.**

**If you could, would you please send in some suggestions of what to write about? Either PM me or review, please.**

**I promise I'll get the next chapter up, once I'm out of this rut. Thanks for all the reviews! :)**


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